Written by Artists at Play producing member Nicholas Pilapil. From Artists at Play … at Play! (January 23, 2015), a special event to kick off our fifth year in Los Angeles theatre, featuring all-original pieces written by the AAP producers …
Read the previous piece: You Chose … Poorly
I Totally Paused
ALL: Let’s play!
STEFANIE: Everyone says that Asians are bad drivers.
PETER: Okay, not everyone, just racists and Asians who like to make excuses.
JULIA: But really though, are Asians bad drivers?
NICHOLAS: I’m Asian. Am I a bad driver?
MARIE: Listen to this and you tell me:
STEFANIE: I had to take my driver’s permit test twice.
PETER: Once I spent 30 minutes at a stop light trying to get a car into first gear.
JULIA: I got my license at 16 and didn’t learn how to parallel park until 3 years later.
NICHOLAS: One time when parking at PetSmart I drove into a green Honda Odyssey. Instead of leaving a note I didn’t leave the Petsmart until I saw that van had left.
MARIE: I backed into a woman in a Lucille’s BBQ parking lot in the rain.
STEFANIE: I’ve gotten three speeding tickets.
PETER: I’ve been in one car accident and I swear it wasn’t my fault. But I’ve been in maybe about 17 almost accidents, I’m just really quick at pressing the brakes. The day after I got my car fixed from that accident I drove into a parking ticket stall while turning into the structure.
JULIA: I’ve gone to traffic school two or three times. I can’t remember.
NICHOLAS: I have one picture of me running a red light.
MARIE: Last week on the way to the airport I got a flat tire and didn’t know how to fix it.
STEFANIE: I’m too scared to honk my horn because of the fear that the other driver might shoot me, but I’ll tailgate you because that’s my way of telling you you drive too slow.
PETER: I like to do the following while I drive: eat, sing, drink coffee, change clothes, talk on the phone, text and eat french fries.
JULIA: Okay, so maybe I’m a bad driver. But I got a perfect score on my drivers license test … the third time I had to take it.
NICHOLAS: Let’s not say that Asians are bad drivers. That’s a horrible generalization, because everything you just heard is actually about me.
[Cue projection of Nicholas’ red light photo]
Nicholas steps forward and curtsies.
[Cue transition music – “Going the Distance” – Cake]
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